Time Goes On

Following my last post, I want to explain that I am not depressed all the time. It seems like I have to allow myself one day to feel very sorry for myself when the treatments don't work before I am able to move on with my life and everything that is going on around me. That is my coping method. I haven't been able to find anyone in particular to talk to, being new to the area and all. I certainly hope that I had my friends there to support, in which they always are. I am grateful for the ladies on TTTC and for the few friends who really do try to understand what I am going thru and talk to me, even if it is just to ease my mind.

I thought blogging things would help me cope, but as I have come to the realization that I have had my blog for over a year, I have barely over a couple dozen posts that relates to anything that has been going on in my life. I used to write all the time, but it was a lesiurely pace. Perhaps if I can get my feelings down, I can feel better with the progress that has been made and look forward to things to come.

Onto the next cycle...

Here I am on the first day of my new cycle. I have gotten to the point that I almost don't expect anything to work anymore. After all the meds that I have to take and the shots that Tim has given me (only got really bruised once), I don't know how I will feel if I ever see a truly positive HPT, I am so used to seeing only one pick line (or two only because I took it too early and it is remnants of the HCG injects). I am ready for that next step, but I don't know what that is. Dr. Mattingly mentioned having a Lap done, but he said it was up to me when because I would have to see another doctor in Columbus to have it done. I am thinking sometime this fall.

I am tired of everything and I feel numb to the world around me. I can't get excited about a coworker's baby shower. I have no interest in talking with my friends that already have kids (except for a choice few, you know who you are). I have lost interest in just about everything and would rather curl up with a book or play computer games than face what needs to be done at home, especially the painting.

Maybe if I could just stop feeling sorry for myself and move on, things might get easier, but after knowing something is wrong for the past 4 years and fully trying for the past 2, I am tired of it all. I just hope that I am able to pick myself up soon, like I do every cycle, and get to a point of knowing how strong Tim and I are for doing all that we can. Please pray for us.