Cold Hands, Warm Heart

It has been a long week

2010-12-07T23:19:00.002-05:00

Well, we have had Little Bear in our home for a week now and life has certainly become much more interesting. He is a very active little boy, very mobile, but doesn't talk much. He knows what he likes and what he doesn't like, but we are trying to get him to try new things. Veggies have been the hardest so far.

The three of us are still get used to our schedule of me working days and Tim working nights. Luckily, he sleeps really well (once he goes down) and isn't afraid of a few bumps; he has already bumped his head off the wall a few times. He is one tough cookie.

He really needs love, stability and someone to teach him because he is willing to learn. We are always looking for thoughts and prayers to keep him safe

Time for a Change

2010-12-06T22:10:00.004-05:00

I know that you guys are thinking that I abandoned this blog this past year where in reality there have been big changes in my life. We have gone from a quiet, empty house to one full of laughter and chaos.

Earlier this year, I went thru a Lap surgery to check my tubes, check for endo and my cystic ovaries. Thankfully, very little endo was found, but I wasn't ready to have surgery to remove the cysts from my ovaries. After several failed cycles of not responding to the medications I was taking, we decided enough was enough and take a different path.

This past summer, Tim and I went thru training to become foster parents and after 3 months of pre-service training, multiple homestudies and lots of tough questions, we became licensed on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. We said that we would accept foster children (room for 2) from age 3 to 13 and only under 3 if they were available for adoption.

The big news for us came in the same conversation in which our caseworker told us we were licensed. They had a referral for us, a 19mo little boy who was in need of a good stable home. We accepted him and he has been in our home for the past week now. He will be known as Little Bear here. He is so sweet and he fills our heart with joy. I am hoping to write about our adventures to show that every child needs love, stability, and someone to care for them.

Katie

Back and Forth we go

2010-01-28T18:42:00.002-05:00

People can be so frustrating. Usually it is because they can't make up their minds and flip-flop from one thing to another. Lately it has been mostly people at work. If you didn't know already, I am a project engineer for a small company and it seems lately that I have to hold peoples' hands to get anything done. The following may not make sense to anyone but I have to vent anyway...

First everything is okay and then someone from QA gets a 2nd look at the drawing and decides that the plant can't make the part after all. They were making this damn part for the past 40 years with no problems, why all of a sudden now. Or they can't remember talking to me about the problem on the phone the day before and I get the lame excuse that they weren't paying attention to what I am asking, even though I am asking a direction question. I know what I do in the business unit is benefical, but I can't seem to get my job done when I can't seem to get answers from other people. If I am not waiting on one person, I am waiting on another. Blah...

Go away bloat...

2010-01-27T23:24:00.001-05:00

I am feeling so bloated today. I don't know if I am retaining water or what, but it feels like my stomach is going to burst. I haven't even started my injects yet (that happens tomorrow) so who knows why I am so bloated.

Fun, more shots. I feel like I have been doing these things for a while now. Over 10 months and still not much progress. Yes, my bloodwork is coming back good in the luteal phase, but I am getting tired of waiting. I have a feeling that I am going to end up having the Lap some time in the spring. I feel like I am showing more and more signs of possible Endo and even my mom thinks she developed it in her 40s. I am not even out of my 20s yet, so this is not good. I guess I really can't say what is going to happen next. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it.

Cold Hands, Warm Heart

2010-01-27T00:47:00.000-05:00

As my Grandmother always said, if you had cold hands, you had a warm heart. Well tonight, I just have cold hands. I can't seem to get warm. My hands are freezing even though we have a brand new furnace and I am dressed in sweats. It also doesn't help that I am sleeping by myself. Don't get me wrong, I really like having the bed to myself, but that also means I lay there shivering trying to get warm (Tim is like an electric blanket, releasing heat to keep me warm).

Tim's back to working third shift again, 11pm to 7am. I do get to see him more than I was when he was on 2nd, but it also means sleeping in a cold bed. He doesn't mind working odd hours, he is a night owl to start with. I thought I was as well, but I found out the hard way last weekend that I can't change my sleeping habits as easily as he can. Staying up until the wee hours of the morning and trying to sleep during the day doesn't work for me.

I have found that I do enjoy the few hours I have to myself from when Tim leaves until I fall asleep. I can read, watch TV, play games, or even write as I am doing now. Once the animals calm down for the night, it is fairly quiet and I am able to get to sleep rather easily. Sometimes I am not so lucky, but it isn't long before sleep takes me away.

More later...

New Year, Fresh Start

2010-01-26T06:43:00.000-05:00

Yes, I know it is not Jan 1, but I was trying to decide what to do with this blog. I came to the decision that it was going to be a general thought journal so I can talk about anything. Before it mostly about my infertility and weight loss, but now I may be all over the place.

Just a fair warning...

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

2009-08-13T18:45:00.002-04:00

In honor of my Grandpa Sal's 100th birthday today, I want to share a few memories of him. He passed away in 1993, but he still lives in my heart.

The cards we would get in the mail for every special occasion, complete with a poem that he wrote special for each of us.
My grandparents' house every Sunday for spaghetti and Grandpa's homemade sauce.
Vacations in Venice, FL where he and I got to feed the blue herring that came around every day.
Staying the weekend by myself at their house and playing cards, along with helping him with his insulin shots.
He was always so proud of his grandkids, every single one of us.

I miss him a lot and I pray that he is watching over his family and know that we are carrying the family legacy on. I just wish I had more time with him...

Stupid Drivers

2009-08-10T18:18:00.000-04:00

As I sit here waiting on the thunderstorm to slow down (I watched it come over the horizon), I can't even imagine what driving in it will be like. I certainly don't like driving in thunderstorms with lighting coming down all around me.

There are some idiotic drivers around here and I really need to vent about their stupidity.

There are those who don't turn on their lights when it is raining, especially when they have their wipers going.
There are those who don't use their turn signals and abruptly turn, coming to an almost stop in the process.
There are those who run straight thru intersections without even looking to see if the light has already turned red.
There are those who deciding riding up my ass instead of just passing me is the only way to make me go faster (I am not going faster just for you, but if you let me get over, I will).
There are those people who don't realize that they don't have a stop and insist on stopping anyway (incoming traffic into a parking lot normally).

I think that is all right now, but I think the drivers around here are the worst I have seen in a long time.

Time Goes On

2009-07-24T17:46:00.001-04:00

Following my last post, I want to explain that I am not depressed all the time. It seems like I have to allow myself one day to feel very sorry for myself when the treatments don't work before I am able to move on with my life and everything that is going on around me. That is my coping method. I haven't been able to find anyone in particular to talk to, being new to the area and all. I certainly hope that I had my friends there to support, in which they always are. I am grateful for the ladies on TTTC and for the few friends who really do try to understand what I am going thru and talk to me, even if it is just to ease my mind.

I thought blogging things would help me cope, but as I have come to the realization that I have had my blog for over a year, I have barely over a couple dozen posts that relates to anything that has been going on in my life. I used to write all the time, but it was a lesiurely pace. Perhaps if I can get my feelings down, I can feel better with the progress that has been made and look forward to things to come.

Onto the next cycle...

2009-07-22T22:38:00.003-04:00

Here I am on the first day of my new cycle. I have gotten to the point that I almost don't expect anything to work anymore. After all the meds that I have to take and the shots that Tim has given me (only got really bruised once), I don't know how I will feel if I ever see a truly positive HPT, I am so used to seeing only one pick line (or two only because I took it too early and it is remnants of the HCG injects). I am ready for that next step, but I don't know what that is. Dr. Mattingly mentioned having a Lap done, but he said it was up to me when because I would have to see another doctor in Columbus to have it done. I am thinking sometime this fall.

I am tired of everything and I feel numb to the world around me. I can't get excited about a coworker's baby shower. I have no interest in talking with my friends that already have kids (except for a choice few, you know who you are). I have lost interest in just about everything and would rather curl up with a book or play computer games than face what needs to be done at home, especially the painting.

Maybe if I could just stop feeling sorry for myself and move on, things might get easier, but after knowing something is wrong for the past 4 years and fully trying for the past 2, I am tired of it all. I just hope that I am able to pick myself up soon, like I do every cycle, and get to a point of knowing how strong Tim and I are for doing all that we can. Please pray for us.

Infertility Etiquette for NIAW

2009-04-29T00:16:00.001-04:00

Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

National Infertility Awareness Week

2009-04-27T23:35:00.002-04:00

Please re post the above and share the word of National Infertility Awareness Week.

I'm sure so many of us never knew what this was when we first started TTC, but now that we do we must get the word out and get others and insurance companies to recognize infertility is a medical condition that needs just as much assistance and treatment as anything else!

Special thanks to The Pifer's Journey for allowing me to copy and paste from her amazing blog this week to help spread the word.

Infertility 101: Get the facts

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

Ready to Go, with no planned Destination

2009-04-11T20:59:00.003-04:00

My P4 came back at a 13.1 for P+7 and that is the best it has ever been measured. My doc wants to increase my Femera dose if this cycle doesn't work, so it will be a total of 25mg. Tim wants to talk to him first so we are seeing him Monday morning. Tim has questions that I just don't have the answers for. Since NaPro is very different from standard infertility treatment, I just don't know what the next steps are. I will say that I agree with Tim in wanting to know what is going to happen. We need to make a decision soon about what is going to happen. I don't want to be doing the same thing in a year's time. What is really sad is that this cycle is my last chance to have a baby in 2009 (edd would be 12/21). I don't normally care, but the conversation was brought up and it just struck a cord for me.

Tim and I have talked about starting the adoption process, but we would have to stop the fertility treatments first so we could concentrate at the task at hand. For how much I want to be able to give birth to my child, I want to be a mother more, so if that is what we end up doing, I will be happy.

Here I go again

2009-04-06T20:40:00.002-04:00

I went for my P4 test today on my third HCG injects with Femera cycle. I am praying for a decent number after last cycle's terrible P+11 bloodwork draw of 1.1; the thing is that I still didn't start bleeding for another 5 days later. I have realized that I really need to get back in the habit of taking my meds on time and being consistant in both that and taking my blood sugar draws. I can only hope that I will get better soon because I have, not because I want to. (In other words, if I were pregnant). I also want to start blogging more on a regular basis, even if it is just a line or two.

April Fool's Day sucks

2009-04-02T20:50:00.000-04:00

I hate April Fool's Day. It has never been a good day for me. Usually it is harmless pranks and me being gullible to fall for them. This the "joke" was on me and I fell apart, literally.

Not only did one friend find out the sex of her "miracle" baby (I have reservations about her being infertile) and then another friend of mine announced, on facebook no less, that she was pregnant again (their little girl just turned one) and what really sucks is that her and her DH got married a week before Tim and I did. Lastly, a coworker announces that she is 5 months pregnant and only recently went to the doctor to confirm (that is something you hear about on TV, not in real life), which would make it a honeymoon baby. She had no reason to believe she was pregnant since she said missing several months was normal to her. That is not normal people, that means something is wrong. That whole situation sucks, especially since I had a gut feeling she was going to be pregnant before me. This is never fun, now that I know people who are on their 2nd pregnancies in the same time frame that I am still trying to have one.

Anyway, let's just say I literally broke down crying on the floor when I got all this news within a single 24 hour period. Normally I can handle news like that, be numb to the fact that I am jealous as hell, but a triple punch like that pushed me over the edge. I don't remember any other time when I completly broke down in tears over someone else's announcement.

I just have to keep reminding myself that just because "X" is pregnant, it has no direct bearing on why I am not pregnant.

The Bucket List

2009-03-03T21:07:00.000-05:00

Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, then tag your friends (including me).

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, do the list and tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.) If you don't see the Tag people in the upper right hand corner you are in the wrong place.)

Things you have done during your lifetime

(x) Gone on a blind date

(x) Donated Blood

() Skipped school

() Watched someone die

(x) Been to Canada

() Been to Mexico

(x) Been to Florida

() Been to Hawaii

(x) Been on a plane

() Been on a helicopter

(x) Been lost

(x) Gone to Washington , DC

() Hugged a homeless person

(x) Swam in the ocean

() Swam with Stingrays

() Been sailing in the ocean

(x) Cried yourself to sleep

() Played cops and robbers

() Recently colored with crayons

() Ran a marathon

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Volunteered at a soup kitchen

(x) Paid for a meal with coins only

(x) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch

() Seen the Northern Lights

() Been Parasailing

() Been on TV

(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't

() Made prank phone calls

() Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans

(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose

() Fed an elephant

(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue

() Fired a gun

(x) Danced in the rain

() Been to the Opera

(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus

(x) Serenaded someone

() Seen a U.S. President in person

(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe

(x) Watched the sunrise with someone

() Driven a race car

(x) Been to a National Museum

() Been to a Wax Museum

() Eaten caviar

(x) Blown bubbles

(x) Gone ice-skating

(x) Gone to the movies

() Been deep sea fishing

() Driven across the United States

() Been in a hot air balloon

() Been sky diving

() Gone snowmobiling

() Lived in more than one country

(x) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets

(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish

() Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser

() Seen the Grand Canyon

(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty

() Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle

() Been on a cruise

(x) Traveled by train

() Traveled by motorcycle

(x) Been horse back riding

() Ridden on a San Francisco cable car

(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World

(x) Truly believe in the power of prayer

() Been in a rain forest

() Seen whales in the ocean

(x) Been to Niagara Falls

() Ridden on an elephant

() Swam with dolphins

() Been to the Olympics

() Walked on the Great Wall of China

() Saw and heard a glacier calf

() Been spinnaker flying

() Been water-skiing

() Been snow-skiing

() Been to Westminster Abbey

() Been to the Louvre

() Swam in the Mediterranean

(x) Been to a Major League Baseball game

() Been to a National Football League game

() Swam with sharks

(x) Been White Water Rafting

() Written a book or screen play

Your Engagement/Wedding

2009-03-02T21:05:00.000-05:00

Yet another one, but this one was fun.

Cut and paste and put in your own answers. Let's see how much you remember about your engagement and wedding day! Then tag 10 more people who are married.

1. Your spouse's name: Timothy Ronald Ranck

2. Where did you meet? Initially online, but met in person in front of my dorm.

3. Who asked who out first? I asked him if he wanted to meet in person, but he asked me out on our first date

4. Where was your first date? Dinner and a movie

5. What was the date of your first date? Week of January 14, 2001

6. Did you "know" on that first date, or did it take a while to realize "this is the one"? It took a few months, but I knew within the first 6 months of dating

7. How long after the first date were you engaged? 2.25 years

8. Care to share the proposal experience? We had already shopped for my ring at this point in time, so I knew it was coming, just didn't know when. The night after he picked the ring up from the jewelers, we went back to my dorm room to hang out. He told me he wanted to show me a website he had found about wedding stuff, so I sat down and looked at the site. It was a very general site until I started checking out the links and found one that said "Top Advice for Newly Engaged". As I was reading it, it didn't occur to me that the first letter of each line spelled out the proposal of "Katie Will You Marry Me" directed to me until after I made the comment of "Oh, that is nice...how cute." Tim said read it again and once I did and turned around to see him, he was down on his knee with the ring and I immediately said yes. He had setup the entire "website" just to propose and I still have a print off of it.

9. When was the engagement? April 26, 2003

10. How did you tell others? Called them all the next day

11. Where and when was your wedding? June 19, 2004 in Knoxville , TN

12. Did you receive pre-marital counseling? Engaged Encounter weekend along with meetings with the priest leading up the wedding.

13. Maid of honor? My best friend from college, Becki

14. Best man? Tim's dad

18. Colors of bridesmaid's dresses? periwinkle blue

19. Who gave the bride away? My dad walked me down the aisle and my parents gave me away and Tim's parents gave him away to me

20. Any special songs, music? "It's Your Love" by Tim & Faith was our song, and we picked all the rest out ourselves

21. Vows... traditional, repeated, or said your own? Traditional repeated vows

22. Anything funny about that day? Tim was extremely nervous and paced the cafeteria while waiting. Also since we didn't get to eat much at the reception, we ended up ordering pizza at the hotel that night

23. Where was the honeymoon? Hilton Head Island

24. Where did you first live? His parent's basement for the first 6 weeks, my parent's house the next 6 weeks and then finally we moved to Murfreesboro

25. Any special marital advice? Honesty is best, no matter what.

100 Things

2009-03-01T22:14:00.001-05:00

So people keep tagging me in these...

001. Real name - Kathleen Elizabeth Ranck
002. Nickname(s) - Katie
003. Zodiac sign - Virgo
004. Male or female - female
005. Elementary - Sunrise
006. Middle School - Penn
007. High School - Penn-Trafford
008. Hair color - brown
009. Long or short - on the long side
010. Loud or Quiet - quiet
011. Sweats or Jeans - jeans
012. Phone or Camera - camera
013. Health freak - not really
014. Drink or Smoke? - neither
015. Do you have a crush on someone? - I married him
016. Eat or Drink - either
017. Piercings - ears
018. Tattoos - none

HAVE YOU EVER?
019. Been in an airplane - yes
020. Been in a relationship - yes
021. Been in a car accident - yes
022. Been in a fist fight - yes

FIRSTS:
023. First piercing - ears
024. First best friend - April
025. First award - 6th grade math class
026. First crush - middle school, Mark
027. First sport - swimming
028. First big vacation - Disney World

LASTS:
029. Last person you talked to - Tim
030. Last person you texted - Tim
031. Last person you watched a movie with - Tim
032. Last food you ate - Steak and chicken
033. Last movie you watched - What Happens in Vegas
035. Last thing you bought - dinner
036. Last person you hugged - Tim

FAVES:
037. Food - mashed potatoes and waffles
038. Drinks - Diet COke
039. Clothing - jeans and tshirt
040. Flower - roses
041. Where'd it go? - where did what go?
042. Colors - purple and blue
043. Movies - City of Angels and A Walk to Remember
044. Subjects - science

IN 2008..... I

045. [x] kissed someone
046. [x] celebrated Halloween
047. [] had your heart broken
048. [x] went over the minutes on your cell phone
049. [] questioned someone's sexual orientation
050. [] came out of the closet
051. [] gotten pregnant twice by ralphie elephante and diego elephante.
052. [] had an abortion with raphlie’s kid.
053. [x] done something you've regretted
054. [x] broke a promise
055. [x] hid a secret
056. [x] pretended to be happy
057. [] met someone who changed your life
058. [x] pretended to be sick
059. [] left the country
060. [x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
061. [x] cried over the silliest thing
062. [] ran a mile
063. [] went to the beach with your best friend(s)
064. [x] got into an argument with your friends
065. [x] hated someone
066. [] gone to disneyworld

CURRENTLY:
067. Eating - nothing
068. Drinking - pop
069. I'm about to - fold laundry
070. Listening to - B105
071. Plans for today - laundry, dishes, shopping
072. Waiting for - next week to come

YOUR FUTURE:
073. Want kids? - most definetly
074. Want to get married? - aleady am
075. Careers in mind - engineer

WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?
076. Lips or eyes - lips
077. Shorter or taller? - taller
078. Romantic or spontaneous - romantic
079. Nice stomach or nice arms - nice arms
080. Sensitive or loud - sensitive
081. Hook-up or relationship - relationship
082. Trouble-maker or hesitant - neither

HAVE YOU EVER:
083. Lost glasses/contacts - yes
084. Ran away from home - no
085. Hold a gun/knife for self defense - no
086. Killed somebody - no
087. Broken someone's heart - yes
088. Slapped someone - no
089. Cried when someone died - yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
090. Yourself - most of the time
091. Miracles - yes
092. Love at first sight - yes
093. Heaven - yes
094. Santa Claus - yes
095. Sex on the first date - no
096. Kiss on the first date - yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
097. Is there one person you want to be with right now? - yes, my husband
098. Are you seriously happy with where you are in life? - for the most part
099. Do you believe in God - yes
100. Post as 100 truths and tag a bunch of friends. :)

25 Things from Facebook

2009-02-21T18:39:00.003-05:00

1. I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes at age 24, treating it now with oral meds, diet, and exercise.

2. I love to read, so much that we have two bookshelves full and I still get ones from www.bookswim.com each month.

3. I love country music! I grew listening to Top 40, but as soon as I went to college, I got into country music (thanks to WIVK) and haven't looked back since.

4. Tim and I have moved a total of 5 times since we got married 4.5 years ago, including just moving across town.

5. I am passionately Pro-Life and proud to support it, including "Choose Life" license plates in both Ohio and Tennessee.

6. I am a die hard Steelers fan, no matter where I live. Right now I am getting some nasty looks from my coworkers for my desktop background.

7. I miss my friends in TN, but at least I get to talk to them online if I want to.

8. I really enjoy my job and it is nothing I thought I would get to do, working in a small office, being responsible for entire projects.

9. I knew I wanted to be an engineer from the age of 12.

10. I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome, and Tim and I have been trying to have kids for the past 3.5 years.

11. Between Tim and I, we have 11 nieces and nephews, ranging from 13 years to 7 months.

12. I started scrapbooking last year, but I have only finished one book. I have all kinds of ideas, but I can't get them out of my head.

13. I hate the taste of coffee; my dad always wondered how I survived college without drinking coffee.

14. I am a coupon princess (I could do better, but I am only checking sales casually so I am not a queen yet).

15. I get momentarily, insanely jealous when I read of yet another baby announcement, especially when it is their 2nd and I don't even have any. Luckily, it usually passes as quickly as it comes.

16. I despise doing dishes, especially now that we don't have a dishwasher.

17. In the past 10 years, I switched from regular Coke and 2% milk to Diet Coke and Skim Milk, and I will probably never go back.

18. The decision to go out of state for college was the best choice of my first 18 years. I always get asked how I ended up in TN if I grew up in Pittsburgh.

19. I am chaotically organized. It may look like a mess to you, but I know where everything is.

20. I despise annoying people and they get ignored if at all possible.

21. I am most comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt and my slippers. I despise shoes and I would rather go barefoot than anything else.

22. I adopted our cat and Tim adopted our dog. Ciaran was rescued out of the rain while Ginger was adopted from a friend who couldn't take her to the new house.

23. We are in the process of painting our entire house and not just white. We have about 5 different colors going on, including blue, green, yellow, and aloe.

24. I am a kid at heart. If there is nothing on TV, I will turn on Disney channel and check out what is playing.

25. I am all about the Wii. We got it back in '07 along with almost every major game release to go with it. I really like Mario Kart Wii and I will race anyone who is up for a challenge.

One Word

2009-02-20T18:38:00.002-05:00

It's harder than you think!! Here is what you are supposed to do...and please don't spoil the fun...copy and paste into your own note, type in your answers and tag a bunch of people - including me.

1. Where is your cell phone?...purse
2. Your hair...brown
3. Your father?...alive
4. Your favorite thing?...read
5. Your dream last night?...weird
6. Your favorite drink?...mudslide
7. Your dream/goal?...management
8. The room you are in?...office
9. Your fear?...childless
10. Where do you want to be in 6 years?...Home
11. Muffins?...Chocolate
12. One of your wish list items?...Car
13. Where you grew up?...Pittsburgh
14. The last thing you did?...eat
15. What are you wearing?...jeans
16. Your TV?...on
17. Your pets?...sleeping
18. Your computer?...on
19. Your life?...complicated
20. Your mood?...annoyed
21. Missing someone?...yes
22. Your car?...dirty
23. Favorite store?...kohls
24. Your summer?...short
25. Your favorite color?...purple
26. When is the last time you laughed?...today
27. Last time you cried?...Sunday
28. Three people who email me?...Mom, Tim, Cathy
29. Three of my favorite foods?...Italian, Mexican, Chinese
30. Three places I would rather be right now?...beach, cabin, cruise

48 Questions

2009-02-19T18:37:00.001-05:00

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, I believe an aunt was named Katherine before me

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Sunday

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
not really

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
turkey

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
not yet

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
probably

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
oh nooo...not me

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
yep

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
probably

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
raisin nut bran

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
nope

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
cookies and cream

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
eyes and smile

15. RED OR PINK?
red

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST Favorite THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
my size

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Cofo friends

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
sure, why not

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
khaki pants and brown shoes

(Hey, what happened to #20?) Good question...(Agreed)

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
the radio

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
purple

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
roses

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Tim

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
yep

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
football and hockey

27. HAIR COLOR?
brown

28. EYE COLOR?
brown

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
not really

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
chicken

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
happy endings

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
House Bunny (DVD) and Coraline (theater)

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
green

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
summer

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
both

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
don't really know

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
don't really care

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Angry Housewives eating Bon-Bons

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Cats

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
Kyle XY

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S):
hum of a fan blowing and water perking

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Either or neither

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
vacation...California, but for long term had to have been UT for school, especially freshman year when my home was still in Pittsburgh

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Not really

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Jeannette, PA

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Whomever feels like answering

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Online

Couples

2009-02-18T18:35:00.001-05:00

Answer the following 25 questions, then tag whoever you want to do this!

Come on, play along - inquiring minds want to know! ;-)

1. What are your middle names?
Elizabeth and Ronald

2. How long have you been together?
7.5 years, married for almost 5

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating?
a couple of months, but that is only if your count talking online

4. Who asked who out?
I asked if he wanted to come over and hang out, but I believe he asked me if I wanted to go out on a date with him.

5. How old are each of you?
I am 27 and he is 32

6. Whose siblings do/ did you see the most?
His mostly it seems like, but they are all about traveling to see people

7. Do you have any children together?
Not yet

8. What about pets?
two...a cat and a dog

9. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Right now, being around families with lots of kids

10. Did you go to the same school?
Nope...we did, but not at the same time

11. Are you from the same home town?
Nope

12. Who is the smartest?
Fairly equal. He keeps most up to date on currant events while I am more scientific

13. Who is the most sensitive?
I am

14. Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Mostly casual restaurants...TGIFridays, Ruby Tuesday, O'Charley's, Applebees, etc

15. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Detroit, MI in 2001 (leaving from Knoxville)

16. Who has the craziest exes?
He does and I always laugh at the stories

17. Who has the worst temper?
We are fairly equal there

18. Who does the cooking?
I do for the most part

19. Who is more social?
It seems like I am

20. Who is the neat-freak?
neither of us, we are both fairly sloppy

21. Who is the more stubborn?
we are probably the same

22. Who hogs the bed?
the dog for the most part, but we are pretty equal since we only have a double bed

23. Who wakes up earlier?
I do

24. Where was your first date?
Dinner and a movie (probably O'Charley's)

25. Who has the bigger family?
I have more siblings, but he has more nieces and nephews

26. Do you get flowers often?
Not really

27. How do you spend the holidays?
split between families if possible, but this past year we spent by ourselves

28. Who is more jealous?
I am for the most part

29. How long did it take to get serious?
3-4 months

30. Who eats more?
It seems like he does, but mostly snack stuff

31. Who does/ did the laundry?
I do most of the time

32. Who’s better with the computer?
His is, especially with maintaining the updates and such. But neither of us could live without a computer and internet connection.

33. Who drives when you are together?
For short distances, he does. For road trips, we switch off since we both tend to sleep in the car

Senior Year

2009-02-17T18:30:00.004-05:00

Fill this out about your Senior Year! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!!

1. Did you date someone from your school?
Nope

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
Nope

3. Did you car pool to school?
I only drove senior year and I was by myself

4. What kind of car did you have?
Dodge Spirit

5. What kind of car do you have now?
Ford Focus

6. It's Friday night...where are you?
football game and perhaps dinner out (if I was lucky enough to not have to babysit or work)

7. What kind of job did you have in high school?
Retail Sales

8. What kind of job do you do now?
Project Engineer

9. Were you a party animal?
No...no matter how hard I tried

10. Were you considered a flirt?
No...no matter how hard I tried

11. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
Not by the time I was in High School...I was in Drama Guild though (crew only)

12. Were you a nerd?
I am sure most people thought I was

13. Did you get suspended or expelled?
Never

14. Can you sing the fight song?
I could if someone started it for me.

15. Who was/were your favorite teacher(s)?
Serrperre and Mr. M

16. Where did you sit during lunch?
lunch table, same group of friends every day

17. What was your school's full name?
Penn-Trafford High School

18. When did you graduate?
1999

19. What was you school mascot?
Warriors

20. If you could go back and do it again, would you?
For some parts, it was great and others not so much. If I could pick and choose the moments, I would definitely do it again.

21. Did you have fun at Prom?
For the most part, but it could have been better.

22. Do you still talk to the person/people you went to Prom with?
No, never really talked to him past Prom weekend

Tribute to Myron Cope

2009-01-29T18:38:00.001-05:00

I got this in an email today and I just had to share...

‘Twas the night before the Super Bowl

‘Twas the night before the Super Bowl, when along the gulf shore,
Steelers fans were praying for “just one more;”

The players were nestled all snug in the sack,
With visions of the first NFL Six-Pack;

Coach Tomlin was young, but wise for his years,
So I drifted off to sleep without any fears;

When at the stadium there arose some strange chatter,
The Cardinals feared, what was the matter;

We heard “Okel Dokel”, we heard “Double Yoi,”
We jumped from our beds, our hearts jumped for joy;

He stood at the fifty with a grin ear to ear,
Steelers fans everywhere started to cheer;

Then in an instant to our surprise,
This little old man had tears in his eyes;

He went to the booth and there took his chair,
While Terrible Towels waved in the air;

Then over the airwaves came his shrill voice,
The Steelers Nation began to rejoice;

He said, “I am back, but you know I can’t stay,
I just had to see my Steelers play;

From my home up above, I have a great view,
But I wanted to celebrate here with you;

So bring on the Birds, we’ll send them a flyin’,
On the way back to Phoenix, they will be cryin’;

Ben, Hines, Troy, Jeff and all of the rest,
No matter the outcome, to me you’re the best;”

The airwaves went silent, the stadium still,
Was this just a dream, it seemed so real;

In our team we have faith, in our team we have hope,
But the game’s not the same without Myron Cope;

Written by:
A.K. Young
01-23-09

Thought for the day...

2009-01-20T22:42:00.002-05:00

I saw the following and it made me cry...

"I know how much you long for a child but it aches me more to see you
like that...I did my best to treat myself...but don't blame me
whenever I failed...I tried to be strong in front of you, for you not
to worry of me...I cried a lot when you are out, surf the net for
every possible solutions I can have...you just don't know how much pain
I have for this situation i'm going through..if you should only
understand my desire and pain in my heart...I always pray to GOD not
just the desire to have a child,but to continue to guide and support
us as a COUPLE...
if you just only knew my pain...
if you just only knew my fear...

to all dear husband, comfort your wife by simply embracing them and
letting them know you love them so much amidst the situation. let her
verbalize the feelings to you it would really help your wife a lot.
pray together..."

It stop and made me think that I need to stop and talk to my DH whenever I am feeling blue and let him into my world when sadness is all around me.

2008 Summary

2008-12-30T21:43:00.002-05:00

1. What did you do in 2008 that you had never done before?
~ Tim and I bought a house.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
~ I don't make resolutions anymore

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
~ Yes, my SIL gave birth as well as a few of my friends.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
~ No, fortunately

5. What countries did you visit?
~ None this year

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
~ a baby

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
~ None that really stand out.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
~ Major pay raise

9. What was your biggest failure?
~ Fighting with Tim more often

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
~ none this year

11. What was the best thing you bought?
~ Our house because I know that when it is done, it will be great

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
~ Dr. Mattingly, who has been able to make some progress with me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
~ Mine, sometimes.

14. Where did most of your money go?
~ Debt, the house, and everything else in between

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
~ getting to decorate my own place

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
~ Life in a Northern Town - Sugarland

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? ~ Happier
b) thinner or fatter? ~ About the same
c) richer or poorer? ~ About the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
~ Get things done around the house

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
~ I wish I had been less emotional these past few months.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
~ alone for the most part...Tim had to work both nights.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?
~ I fall in love every day :-)

23. What concerts did you attend this year?
~ None

24. What was your favorite TV program?
~ Eli Stone

25. Do you dislike anyone now that you didn't dislike this time last year?
~ Yes

26. What was the best book you read?
~ 19 Minutes by Jodi Picoult

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
~ Nothing I can think of, been listening to country for several years now.

28. What did you want and get?
~ Will be getting some new bakeware...I am in desperate need of some new ones.

29. What did you want and not get?
~ a baby

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
~ The Dark Knight

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
~ I turned 27 and went to dinner and a movie

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
~ If I had become a mother.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
~ The same as 2007

34. What kept you sane?
~ my husband

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
~ fancy?!? none

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
~ none for the most part

37. Who did you miss?
~ Our friends in Murfreesboro and everything we did together.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
~ Didn't really meet anyone this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
~ Patience is a virtue.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
~ "I just wanna fix my mistakes..." Blake Shelton

I've been Tagged...

2008-12-22T23:02:00.006-05:00

My friend just tagged me...here are the rules:
You must go to your documents folder (or wherever you store your photos) and go to your 6th picture folder, then go to the 6th picture in that folder and post it on your blog. Tell us a story about that picture.

In this case, this is a picture of my cat, Ciaran (the black cat) and my IL's cat, Miss Kitty, snuggling together. They looked so sweet together; the few times they weren't chasing each other around the house. It was Christmas 2006.

Now......I am gonna tag ALL of the people who read my blog! Have fun!

So alone...

2008-12-20T17:27:00.001-05:00

I really don't know who to reach out to right now. I feel so alone. It is 4 days before Christmas and I have finally come to the realization that I am going to be by myself Christmas Eve (Tim goes into work at 1pm and doesn't get off until midnight) and again on Christmas Day (he will have to work again from 4pm to midnight). He doesn't have the holiday off like most people, but he only works customer service at Cincinnati Bell. There should be no reason that the call center should be open over the holiday (any holiday; I also spent Thanksgiving by myself, he worked 12 hours that day as well). I will also get to spend New Year's Eve by myself (he doesn't get home until after 12:30pm so it just isn't the same). I suppose it is better than last year when he worked 2nd shift and we ended up celebrating 5 hours earlier, but at least we were able to travel and make it back in time for him to work. Now we don't even have that option.

I think I am also sad because we don't have any extra money to get each other gifts, at least not ones that we don't already know about. Normally I enjoy shopping and wrapping presents, but when I have neither, what else am I suppose to do. He got WoW for his bday/christmas gift and we are only budgetted for $25 a person, including ourselves (which I hate). All I really want are some new baking pans (cookie sheets or cake pan) since ours are fairly nasty.

Unfortuantly, I have been taking my frustrations out on Tim and it isn't helping that I have the Clomid crazies right now. I can't wait to get back on the Femera, but that isn't until next cycle. I was hoping to relax and enjoy this break cycle, but that hasn't happened yet. I get to start HCG shots next cycle, which could be interesting since I have to administer my own shots (luckily there will only be 5). Dr. Mattingly promised me that they are small needles, so who knows.

I feel better (still have a headache) getting this onto paper, and I can only pray things get better. I can't wait for 2009 to get here.

Life goes on...

2008-12-08T18:58:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that it has been over two months since I have posted. No I haven't fallen off the face of the year; I have just been dealing with life.

First, today's is Tim's 32nd birthday, so I want to say Happy Birthday! to him.

It's kinda sad that another year has passed and we still haven't been able to get pregnant. At least Dr. Mattingly has been able to make some progress with my blood work after doing blood work for 3 weeks, going every other day (my arms are finally starting to heal from the bruises). We are going to move onto HCG injectables along with the Femera next cycle. We are moving forward, but I just wish this was about two years ago (or even this time last year).

We have been keeping busy moving into the house; lots of unpacking, cleaning, and still more painting. We have the two other bedrooms and the bathroom to finish. The bathroom is going to be an ongoing project since it is our only one.

Life continues to move forward, so must I.

New House

2008-10-04T18:58:00.004-04:00

We finally closed on the house we bought. It is on the NW side of Cincinnati, so I am going to have a bit of a drive, but nothing too terrible. The only thing about it is that I will be driving into the sun each way. Here are some pics that show some of nice things about it. Don't worry, we are going to paint and change out the carpet. :-)

The only major thing that needs to be done is that the shed needs to be fixed and the yard is kinda messy. I am so excited to be able decorate my own place.

bad blogger....

2008-09-16T18:44:00.002-04:00

I really need to update this blog more often...so much has happened in the past few weeks. I will give a brief update on each and then give a full explanation when I have more time.

1. Turns out I didn't ovulate at all while on 50mg of Clomid...so my doc bumped me up to 100mg, so I am in the middle of that cycle.

2. The two main managers resigned from my company, so the manager who had just retired came back, so he got a total of 6 weeks away (shortest retirement in history :-P)

3. I am a bad Catholic because I have only just recently visited University of Notre Dame and I am 27 years old. It is a beautiful campus.

4. We are looking at moving into a house after our lease is up. We were able to work out a "rent with option to buy" from the owner after a year, so we are looking forward to getting a place of our own.

5. My office is moving to the next town over on Friday so we are busy packing, cleaning, and throwing things away. Hopefully we will throw out as much as we pack which will make things so much easier.

Interesting Reading List

2008-08-27T19:03:00.004-04:00

I have seen this "memo" on a bunch of your blogs and really wanted to go through the list to see what I have read/want to read. It looks like fun to see all that I have read and what I want to read.

1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.
2) Italicize those you intend to read.
3) Underline (or mark in a different color) the books you LOVE

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
6 The Bible
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid's Tale - Margaret Atwood
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriet Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Ronald Dahl
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Rent Books Netflix-style with Online Book Rental - BookSwim.com

2008-08-16T17:21:00.004-04:00

Rent Books Netflix-style with Online Book Rental - BookSwim.com

I love having this! I can check out books that I normally wouldn't since I didn't really want to buy them. Now I can read them without having to worry about keeping them out too long like the library. Plus, you can request books that they may not have.

Check it out!

Posted using ShareThis

Great Weigh-In Day

2008-08-02T18:05:00.002-04:00

I am actually doing really well with my WW this time around. After three weeks, I am down 7 lbs, which is a lot more than I have been able to do on my own. Tim is down 6 lbs, so we are both doing fairly well with the program. What I really need is the accountability and knowing that if I am paying for something, that I need to put forth my best effort. It is one thing to weigh yourself in your bathroom, but it is another to stand up in front of someone else and allow them to know your ups and downs of weight lose.

Now I just need to keep this great feeling with me to get me thru those times when I feel really down about myself.

Great Song by Kellie Coffey

2008-07-27T16:15:00.002-04:00

"I Would Die For That"

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

New Hungry Girl Cookbook

2008-07-26T17:36:00.009-04:00

Look what book my DH bought for me! I love this site for so many good recipes that are easy and really nice for the figure and even have WW points, which is great to have. To have the cookbook is nice as well for just different things. I am looking forward to seeing what I can do with these recipes. I love that a lot of them are single servings since Tim and I work different schedules (like right now I am home on a Saturday night while he is at work).

And so we begin...

2008-07-24T23:53:00.003-04:00

Well, it has finally happened. I have started my next cycle and I don't know if I should feel happy or sad. Happy to get things going again after a year, starting on the clomid and everything else, but also really sad to having to be doing this, starting on the clomid and everything else. It is kinda heartbreaking that I know of 10 friends who have had babies in the past year and I still haven't made any progress.

Life isn't fair and I know it. There are a lot of ladies out there who deserve to be mothers and we all hope and pray that our dreams come true. The ladies on TTTC are so wonderful sometimes, they get me thru some of the toughest times and still allow me to have hope of good things to come. I guess that is all I really need; Faith, Hope, and Love.

The Betty's Group

2008-07-21T21:17:00.001-04:00

There is a great group of ladies in the Cincinnati area who have and are going thru the same thing I am. Being Catholic and going thru infertility and trying to seek out some kind of treatment. We all started out seeing Dr. Mattingly and receiving a diagnosis (75% have PCOS) and now we gtg once a month for dinner to socialize, to cry on each other's shoulders and just know that we are there for each other. I have never really had this kind of support before. Yes, I have friends with whom I have talked about this with, but they never really went thru the pain and heartache of infertility, so it isn't the same. What is kinda sad is that 9 of them have had babies within the past year that I have been on break. It has certainly been a trying time this past year, but I wouldn't take it back for anything (you all know what that one exception would be).

Also, just an update on Mom. I talked to her over the weekend, and she was offered the position in Thailand and it looks like Mom and Dad are moving by the end of the year. They are going to spend 2 years there, all expenses paid plus salary, so the money is just too good to pass up. I checked ticket prices after I got off the phone and they are $3k per person one way. OMG! I am so glad that Mom offered to buy the tickets for us.

Wii would like to play

2008-07-19T18:50:00.001-04:00

Okay, a quick update from my tough day yesterday. I did lose two pounds this week, so it is certainly a start. And I am well on my way for hitting my first goal (at least for myself) of losing 5 lbs. And I am moving more which brings me to the topic of this post...

For anyone who has a Wii, I highly recommend the Wii Fit. We got this back in May (luckily we preordered, so no waiting) and while it does take some disciple to do it everyday, it is actually really fun to do. I have had no desire to go to the gym and workout (which hasn't been helping my cause, but that is a whole other story), but doing the Fit for just 30 minutes a day, every day, is really helping me to stay motivated. We do have DDR, but I have no rhythm (and Tim can vouch for that), so doing a step game doesn't help. Maybe after a month or so of daily workouts and regaining some of my balance, I *might* try the DDR again. My goal is work my way up from 30 minutes to an hour every day, and try to get a good mixture of strength and aerobic in.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Oh, the Joys of WW...bah humbug

2008-07-19T13:52:00.003-04:00

As you can tell I was having a love/hate type of day with WW yesterday. This is my third attempt with joining WW and I am at the end of my first week, and it certainly hasn't been easy. I know it works since I have lost weight in the past, but I have never been able to get past the first plateau of my body resisting change. Yesterday was interesting since I came to realize how little self control I really have (at least on an empty stomach). My boss brought in donuts yesterday, but not just any donuts, but ones from Starbucks. This is the same person who complained on Thursday that she needed to eat more healthy and exercise more; given that she is as skinny as a rail. I treated myself to one (normally I could eat 2-3) and then came to find out they were 11 pts...a piece. I did enjoy it and now know that I really need to learn how to say NO. I then had very little for lunch since I planned a full dinner and a night out at the movies (we saw The Dark Knight, awesome movie). And I was doing so good this week, considering it has been at least 18 months since the last time we (Tim and I) did WW.

New Doctor = New Protocol (Finally!)

2008-07-16T17:42:00.005-04:00

I used to journal all the time, but I never really got it written down but a few times a year, so doing an almost daily blog is going to be new to me. I suppose it is high time I wrote down how I have been feeling instead of letting it boil up and over.

Anyway back to my daily thoughts...
Tim and I saw Dr. Mattingly (NaPro Doctor) on Monday and we finally got the go ahead to start the clomid again. After a year of being on break, it is nice to finally be moving forward (I hate turning my wheels in place). New doctor = new protocol; which includes 2000mg of Metformin, 30mg of Actos, 50 mg of Clomid (cd3-5), 200mg of B6 (leading up and thru ovulation), 2000mg of fish oil, and 200mg of Prometrium (starting 7dpo). It is so many meds that I need a pill case to remember to take them all. So right now I just need to wait to start my next cycle, but at least I have something to look forward to.

Here is just a tidbit of news on Mom. She told me last week that her plant was closing by the end of August (her 3rd job in 4 years). However, I got an interesting call from her last night. Turns out the equipment is being bought by a company in Thailand and that they are interviewing people to help set it up over there, including Mom. Her and Dad may be moving to Thailand for 18 months! How crazy is that?! She sounded excited about it, so there may be a trip sometime in the future. Man, even the possibility sounds exciting. Now I really need to get a passport (need it for work anyway).

Just the Beginning

2008-07-15T23:49:00.001-04:00

Well, here is the start of our next step. It has been a long year since we decided to take a break and create a new start. Finding and getting a new job, moving 500 miles, and beginning life in a whole new city. Moving from Nashville to Cincinnati has certainly been a new experience considering I have been in TN for almost 8 years (but it doesn't beat my parents with their 3 moves in 6 years).